How many times...

February 11, 2017

 

Let's finish this sentence, shall we?

 

How many times...

 

1. ...can a coffee shop mess up my order?

 

I come here every single day, usually at the same exact time, and order the same exact coffee. HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU FUCK IT UP? Come, on Paula; get your shit together. I asked for almond milk, not cream! DID I SAY I WANTED SUGAR? NO! BECAUSE I'M SWEET ENOUGH. I'm going to dump this on your head. Ya better watch it, Paula.

 

2. ...will the same guy text me at 2am with a winky emoji?

 

I haven't replied to your drunk messages in 297 days. When will you get it through your thick skull that no, I do not want to hook up with you. Not now. Not 297 days ago. Not ever. STOP TEXTING ME.

 

3. ...will a grocery store employee ask me if I'm finding everything okay?

 

I've been standing in the pasta aisle for 35 minutes now. No, I'm clearly not finding what I need, but I'm also not going to admit that I don't know the difference between rotini and fusilli. Or that I'm googling images of pasta. Or that I don't give a damn what shape the pasta is because IT ALL TASTES THE SAME.

 

4. ...do I have to say "god bless you" to someone who can't stop sneezing?

 

Like seriously, when is it appropriate to stop? Even God is like, yoooo calm your nostrils, ya weirdo. You are no longer blessed; I take it back. I am revoking the blessing. You need to cut the shit and stop sneezing already.

 

5. ...will I respond "you too!" when the movie ticket ripper person tells me to enjoy my movie?

 

I think I say it every single time. "Enjoy your movie!" "You too!"  This person is working. They clearly aren't going to see the movie. So why the hell do I tell them to enjoy it too?! For real. The same goes for when people wish me Happy Birthday and I respond "Thanks, you too!" IT'S NOT THEIR GODDAMN BIRTHDAY. Unless it is...then carry on.

 

6. ...do I say I'm hungry when I'm actually just bored?

 

I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm sad. I eat because I see someone else eating. Forget winning, DJ Khaled. All I do is eat, eat, eat no matter what. Got food in my mouth, and I don't give a fuck.

 

7. ...do I have to recite "I before E except after C" in my head in order to spell words correctly?

 

Isn't that something you learn in 1st grade? I'm an adult with a real person adult job yet I can't spell receive...recieve? I before E except aft...........

 

8. ...do I have to hold up my hands and form the letter L in order to figure out left versus right?

 

Too many times, that's your answer. You would think I would just know this...but I don't.

 

9. ...will I mess up the compass rose?

 

North is whatever direction is in front of me. And South? Yeah, that's behind me. Right? RIGHT? Whatever. I'm going in the direction that I point so who the hell cares.

 

10. ...will autocorrect screw me over?

 

When would someone ever want to text "ducking" in a normal conversation? AUTOCORRECT WILL BE THE DUCKING DEATH OF ME.

 

 

 

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